04 November, 2014

How to deal with loonies

You know the scene.

You're at a party, funeral or similar festive occasion when you find yourself trapped in the corner by someone earnestly telling you about her sister who was cured of pancreatic cancer by taking a homeopathic essence of onion weed and comfrey. Or maybe it's the bloke who was a drug addicted hit man before he was touched by the word of Jesus and now runs a youth group.

So what's the best strategy to deal with crazy people who believe in psychics, faith healers, homeopathy, Gods, or postmodern theory?

First, listen politely to their story then when they pause for breath tell them in your most earnest but enthusiastic voice: "Wow, that's amazing! You know, I read this amazing book by this amazing guy called Bertrand Russell and he had this amazing revelation that there is this tiny teapot orbiting between Earth and Mars. It's so small that it can't be detected, even by the world's most powerful telescope but he knows it's there because he can sense its presence. Isn't that amazing! A tiny teapot! All the way out there in space! And nobody has ever been able come up with a credible scientific explanation of how it got there. It just proves that the world is full of amazing mysteries that science can never explain."

If this fails to get rid of them, look them warmly in the eye and say "I really enjoyed meeting you but you'll have to excuse me, it's time for my medication."

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